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BDSM means alot of different things to alot of different people. For some its just abit of kinky bedroom fun and to others its a whole way of life. However when it comes to basic things like safety and trust all types of relationships should be treated equally. People in the outside world often associate D\s with a vision of whips , chains and a PVC fetish, which (and lets face it) to some degree is true. However there are so many more dynamics to the lifestyle, some are abit whacky and not for the feint hearted and others are more tender and suprisingly caring.
No matter what type of relationship your in mutual respect and trust is needed. BDSM is no different infact the whole lifestyle is built on that foundation, it doesnt matter if your Dom, Domme, sub,slave or Switch you need to be able to trust and respect your partner. This does not happen overnight it takes time and patience. So many people seem to get sucked into believing that this is an instantanious process and feel the need to begin the D\s part of the reletionship straight away, personally I think it should be done one step at a time to allow people to really get to know one another.
Now alot of what Im going to say here is common sense but there are afew tips for people who are new to the lifestyle. Be careful when your meeting someone for the first couple of times. Online is a great way to get introduced to someone but anyone who has any great experience knows that what you see online isnt always what you get. Also let someone know where your going and who you are going to meet. I think its also a good idea to have a safeword setup during the first few play sessions. When your feeling someone out for the first time it can really help put everyones mind at ease. Dont exadurate about the things that you have done before, if you dont know what your doing and you make mistakes people can get hurt. If you dont know something dont be scared to ask! Always respect limits they are set for a reason. and if you want to try something new or push limits talk about it first.
Safewords There have been many articles written regarding the need for safe words in order to practice BDSM safely. What is rarely discussed is the wonderful freedom a safeword creates.
A safe word is used t stop the action when participating in a BDSM scene. For instance, if you were giving your partner a heavy spanking, how would you be able to discern whether a panted "no no no!" meant "stop it right now I don't like this" or "don't stop, that feels incredible!"?
For this reason, it is common to choose a particular word as your safe word, a word that is only used to mean one thing, "Stop the action right now!!!".
There have been many articles written regarding the need for safe words in order to practice BDSM safely. What is rarely discussed is the wonderful freedom a safeword creates.
When vicariously heading out on the path of dominance and submission, exploring many new activities and experiences, it's hard to feel entirely certain that what you are doing is okay with your partner. Are they hurt for "real"? Do they like what you are doing to them? Will they stop if you need them to? How will you communicate that you've reached your limits, without hurting any feelings?
A safe word, when used properly, creates a situation where you are free from such worries. The submissive can truly let go, able to scream, to cry, to whimper, to moan, to fight, to say "no no no no no" and none of these things will stop the action, when she/he truly wants it to continue. The dominant partner can have confidence that all is well, and that they are not causing their submissive true harm.
When safe words are used effectively, an environment of incredible trust can be created. Boundaries and limits can be pushed and explored knowing that in extreme situations, and extreme situations only, the action will be stopped with one word.
Both dominants and submissives will gain safety and freedom by using a safe word. The following are a couple of tips for creating and using a safe word in your scenes.
– pick a word that you would never use during the scene, such as "octopus".
– some people like to use traffic light colors. "Yellow" can be a warning that things are getting a little too heavy. "Red" will mean stop the action no matter what. "Green" then starts the action up again.
– when the safe word is used, stop everything you are doing, undo any bonds, remove any gags, and find out what is going on. NEVER continue the action after a safe word has been said until the situation has been resolved.
– never use a safe word as a joke and reserve it only for serious issues. For example, don't say your safe word just because you want your hand untied to itch your nose.
– trust your safe word. Know that it will be used if necessary, and know that the action will stop if/when it is used.
– a safe sound or action may be needed in certain scenes, for instance when someone is gagged. Some people will use a series of grunting sounds. Others will hold an object in their hand, and dropping it is the safe signal.
– in a few instances, one partner may wish to stop the scene even if the safe word has not been used. Sometimes, people push themselves past their own limits
Psychological
In the past, sadomasochistic activities and fantasies were regarded by most psychiatrists as pathological, but have been regarded as increasingly acceptable since at least the 1990s. Indeed, the DSM-IV asserts that "The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviours" must "cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning" in order for sexual sadism or masochism to be considered a disorder. People who practice BDSM tend to reject the view of their activities as disordered.
Power exchange
The term power exchange is associated with a submissive exchanging his/her authority to make decisions (either just for a scene, or for his/her entire life) for the dominant's agreement to take responsibility for his/her happiness and health.
The nature of the power exchange varies greatly and can be explicitly negotiated or implicit in the consensuality of the relationship.
Submissive behaviour
A submissive person is one who submits of their own free will and seeks to submit to another. This can be in the context of play times within a set scene, totally immersed within a power exchange relationship or anywhere in between.
Dominant behaviour
A dominant person enjoys being with a submissive person, either just during a scene or as a way of life. Reasons for this include a desire for personal power; being the object of devotion; having the resources and abilities of another human at their disposal; sadism.
Switching
Some practitioners of BDSM enjoy switching — that is, playing both dominant and submissive roles, either during a single scene or taking on different roles at different occasions with different partners. A switch will be the top on some occasions and the bottom on other occasions. A 'switch' may be in a relationship with someone of the same primary orientation (two dominants, say), so switching provides each partner with an opportunity to realise his or her unsatisfied BDSM needs with others.
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